toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
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genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9