Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
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Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Delightful if true: booby trap.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?