The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
If only
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.