one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
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Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.