I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
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Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
there has never been a better use of this meme
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”