When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
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My last name is Zilla.
Uh oh…
HOW DARE YOU
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.