There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
pelicons
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh