I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
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Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?