Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
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I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro