The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
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There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.