ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
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Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.