The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
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When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: