Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
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[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man