What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
ibopfufen
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
somebody come look at this
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.