*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”