“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
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[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
need a new bf mines broken 😐
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I’d rather fork than spoon.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.