“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers