“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
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You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move