[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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so this horse walks into a bar
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.