“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Safety first
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword