I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
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[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Born to be mild.
Spell check is for lasers.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.