*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
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When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!