I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business