[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
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“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.