@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
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being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
dude it’s called proctologist
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.