In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
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The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it