The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.