Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
my dad has had enough
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
good for her