[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
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Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
this was the best i’ve ever seen
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Stop.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.