[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.