Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
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Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!