Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Venn
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.