Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
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Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please