I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
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Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Does your wife know you’re single?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.