I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
A choir of Spring onions
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough