This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My dog ate my work from home.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.