Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look