[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
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I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.