i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Mornin. * use accordingly
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
This 4th of July, please remember…
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?