Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
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I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Wise advice
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art