[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
This is a whole mood;
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.