As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
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[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”