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[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
This could be us… but you playing
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.