me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
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friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
S M O L
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.