that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
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We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.