I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives