He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
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Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.