I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”