When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
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All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.