Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
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I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?